First date tips: seven plain rules, from pub to goodbye

The most useful first date tips are unglamorous. Keep it to an hour, somewhere you can hear each other. Bring questions that invite a story. Listen more than you perform. Sort out the rounds without a scene. And at the end, say plainly whether you would like to do it again. Everything else is detail.

Most of us approach a first date the way we approach a job interview we didn't apply for. We polish the anecdotes, change the shirt twice and spend the bus journey wondering who we are supposed to be. The seven rules below start from a less exhausting idea: a first date isn't a test. Its only honest purpose is to find out whether you would both like a second one.

Before: what to sort out in advance

1. Book an hour, not an evening

Dinner is a commitment: three courses, two hours and a bill to negotiate with someone you have known for twenty minutes. One drink on a weeknight commits you to nothing, and that is its great strength. Both of you know you can call it a night after an hour without anybody losing face. Oddly, that freedom relaxes everyone, and the short dates are the ones that tend to run on.

Tuesday to Thursday is the sweet spot. Friday brings the office crowd and the big screen; Saturday brings expectations.

2. Choose the place for its chairs, not its reputation

The trendiest bar in town is no use if you are shouting over a birthday party. Pick somewhere with a corner you can sit in, a volume you can talk over and a door you can leave by gracefully. Our guide to first date ideas has a dozen options, from canal towpaths to pub quizzes, but the test is always the same: can you hear each other, and could either of you leave within ten minutes without a fuss?

During: first date tips for the conversation

3. Arrive with three questions, not a highlights reel

The urge to present yourself is enormous. The trouble is that someone who spends forty minutes on their own best bits is never as interesting as they think, however good the bits are.

Go in with three questions that ask for a story rather than a fact. 'What's taken up most of your week?' works better than 'what do you do?', because it lets them choose what to tell you. If you want more to choose from, there are twelve in conversation starters that won't fall flat.

4. Follow the thread, not your list

Most people don't really listen on a date. They wait for a gap. It shows almost at once, and it is the most common reason an evening goes flat. The giveaway that you are listening is that your next question comes out of what they just said. If they mention a sister in Leeds, the next question is about the sister, not about their favourite film.

5. Go easy on the banter

Humour works when it comes out of the moment. Forced, it has the faint awkwardness of a best man's speech. A warning particular to these islands: relentless banter is not a personality, and a date is not a panel show. If a joke arrives, lovely. If it doesn't, the conversation won't collapse. It just gets a bit calmer, which is fine.

People forget your best lines. They remember whether they felt at ease.

6. Offer one honest thing

An evening of pleasantries leaves no trace. A single honest admission changes the texture of the whole thing: a doubt, a small failure, a slightly ridiculous devotion to canal boats or Welsh rugby. You don't need to bare your soul; one sentence will do. It is also the best filter going. Someone who can't handle a modest dose of sincerity won't handle the rest of you either.

The rounds and the bill

Britain has a system for this, and it works. Whoever arrives first gets the first round; the other gets the second. If you are only having one drink, offer to get the next one 'next time', which doubles as a gentle test of whether there will be one. If you are eating, offering to split is perfectly normal, and nobody sensible minds. What people do mind is the hovering at the bar, both of you waving cards at the same bartender.

7. End it clearly

The worst ending isn't a no. It's fog. The national habit of saying 'we should do this again sometime' and meaning nothing by it does more damage than a polite, honest goodbye, because it leaves the other person checking their phone until Thursday.

If you would like to see them again, say so before you leave: 'I've really enjoyed this. Shall we do it again next week?' If you wouldn't, don't promise anything. 'Thanks, it's been lovely chatting, take care' is kind, clear and final enough.

What if it isn't going well?

Sometimes, forty minutes in, the conversation is still flat despite your best efforts. That isn't a personal failure. It's information. You are allowed to finish your drink, say it has been nice to chat, and head for your train. You don't need an invented emergency or a flatmate primed to ring at nine; the one-drink format is your exit, which is exactly why you chose it.

And if it is the nerves rather than the chemistry that are getting in the way, the half-hour before matters more than the hour during. First date nerves covers what actually helps.

Afterwards: the message

If you said you would like to see them again, a short message that evening or the next morning is plenty: something that refers back to the date, not a generic 'thanks, had fun'. Don't wait three days to seem casual. The waiting game mostly selects for people who enjoy games. If they reply with a suggestion, reply with a day.

Some people find a quick phone call easier than a message, particularly if the date was cut short by the last train. If ringing someone new feels like a big step, what a first call is like takes the mystery out of it.

Frequently asked questions

How long should a first date last?

About an hour to ninety minutes is a good target. That is long enough for a proper conversation and short enough that neither of you feels trapped. One drink on a weeknight gives you a natural end point, and if it is going well you can always stay for another. Good first dates often run on; bad ones shouldn't have to.

Who should pay on a first date in the UK?

There is no fixed rule any more. The easy British answer is rounds: whoever gets there first buys the first drink, and the other gets the next. For food, offering to split is normal and rarely causes offence. The only real mistake is turning the bill into a negotiation at the bar.

What should you not do on a first date?

Avoid talking about yourself for long stretches, checking your phone, drinking more than a couple, and quizzing them about exes or salaries. Don't pick somewhere too loud to hear each other, and don't leave with a vague 'we should do this again' if you don't mean it. Clarity is kinder than politeness.

How soon should you text after a first date?

The same evening or the next morning is fine. There's no need to wait days to seem relaxed. Keep it short and specific, mentioning something from the date, and if you would like a second one, say so and suggest a day. If you wouldn't, a brief, kind message saying so is better than silence.