First date nerves: what actually works on the night

First date nerves are your body treating the evening as important, which it is. You can't switch them off, but you can turn them down: breathe out for longer than you breathe in, arrive a few minutes early, call the feeling excitement rather than fear, and set yourself a small goal. The biggest fix is to stop auditioning.

Everyone offers the same three pieces of advice: be yourself, be confident, relax. Lovely in principle. No use whatsoever when your pulse is going like the clappers on the Northern line. What follows is the practical version: what to do on the day, hour by hour, and a change of attitude that takes the edge off every date after this one too.

What first date nerves do to your body

Your system is preparing for something that matters. Heart rate goes up, breathing gets shallow, your attention narrows and your hands get clammy. It is the same response you would have before a driving test, a best man's speech or a difficult phone call with the bank.

None of that is dangerous. The trouble starts with the story you tell yourself about it. Your body is saying 'pay attention, this matters'; your head hears 'you are about to make a fool of yourself'. Everything below is about changing that story, or giving the energy somewhere better to go.

On the day: an hour-by-hour plan

A couple of hours before

Eat something. Nerves on an empty stomach feel twice as bad, and the first drink will go straight to your head. Decide what you are wearing and stop deciding. Check the route and the time of your last train home, so that part is settled.

Half an hour before

This is when the breathing trick earns its keep. Breathe in for a count of four, out for a count of six to eight, for three minutes. A long, slow out-breath has a quick, noticeable effect on heart rate, which few other calming tricks can claim. The rest mostly give an anxious mind something to hold, which is not nothing.

On the way

Put your phone away rather than rereading their profile. Choose two questions you are actually curious about and let everything else go. If you want a few that invite stories rather than one-word answers, conversation starters that won't fall flat has twelve.

Ten minutes before

Get there a little early, do a lap of the street, then go in and settle. Much of the dread is about not knowing, so finding the loos and picking your seat takes a surprising amount of it away. Say 'I'm excited' to yourself, even if it feels daft. Excitement and anxiety feel almost the same physically, and psychologists have found that relabelling one as the other can help people perform better under pressure.

What backfires

Dutch courage. A single pint softens things. A second blunts your attention. By the third you're giving a speech, not having a conversation.

Rehearsed lines. People can hear a script. And the minute the chat heads somewhere you hadn't planned for, you're left with nothing to say.

An hour on their Instagram. You arrive with a picture of someone who doesn't quite exist, and a real chance of mentioning a holiday nobody has told you about yet.

Choosing somewhere impressive. A grand venue adds pressure. A modest one takes it away. First date ideas leans heavily towards the modest, for good reason.

Stop auditioning

Watch any bar on a Thursday and you'll spot it: someone on a first date who has switched into audition mode. The pace quickens, the anecdotes queue up, and every reply sounds like a submission to a panel. That is usually when the evening starts to slip, and the cause, nine times out of ten, is nerves dressed up as charm.

Why it backfires

Trying hard to show you're worth it quietly suggests you might not be. Nobody opposite you was wondering; now they are. Worse, you stop hearing them. A head full of your next anecdote has no space for their last one, and feeling heard is a large part of why anybody enjoys an evening with someone.

What to try instead

• The detail, not the job title. 'I work in logistics' is information. 'I spend a lot of my week arguing about pallets, and I've become weirdly passionate about it' is a story.
• Own up to not knowing. 'No idea' or 'I've gone back and forth on that' is refreshingly rare. It sounds like a person thinking aloud, not a candidate reading from notes.
• Disagree nicely. Nodding along to everything makes you hard to picture. A mild 'funny, I see it the other way' gives you some outline, and makes your agreement worth more when it comes.
• Be plainly interested. Playing it cool mostly attracts people who enjoy games. 'I'd like to do this again, how's Tuesday?' saves both of you a week of guessing.

Halfway through, ask yourself two quick questions. When did I last ask them something? And is this a version of me I could keep up past Christmas? If the answer to the second is no, let it go now, because whatever you put on for a first date becomes the thing you have to keep putting on.

Charm, most of the time, is simply someone who has stopped trying to be charming.

Nerves over the longer run

Preparation helps on the night. Over months, though, what actually lowers the volume is practice. Each conversation with a stranger that turns out fine teaches your body a little more that this isn't an emergency.

Psychologists call it graded exposure: begin where very little is riding on it, a word with someone in the queue at the post office, a phone chat where nobody is expecting anything from you, and work upwards. What you learn in the easy settings travels to the harder ones, and the racing heart settles sooner each time. If a first phone call is part of that for you, here is what to expect.

If it goes badly

One flat evening tells you about one evening, not about you. The majority of first dates don't turn into anything, and that is true for the easy-going, sociable people you might envy. The difference is that they shrug, and book another. For the rest of the evening, from the round system to the goodbye, our first date tips cover the practicalities.

You're not aiming to feel calm. You're aiming to turn up.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to be nervous before a first date?

Completely. First date nerves are your body's normal response to something that matters: a faster heartbeat, shallow breathing and sweaty palms. Most people feel them, including those who look relaxed. The feeling usually fades within the first ten or fifteen minutes, once you're actually talking rather than imagining the conversation.

How do I calm my nerves before a date?

Eat beforehand, plan your route, and do a few minutes of slow breathing with a longer out-breath than in-breath. Arrive a little early to get your bearings. Tell yourself you're excited rather than anxious, and set a small goal, such as asking two real questions. Avoid drinking to steady yourself.

Should I have a drink before a first date to calm my nerves?

One drink is fine for many people, but it's best not to arrive having already had a couple. Alcohol takes the edge off briefly, then dulls your listening and loosens your judgement, which is the opposite of what a first date needs. Slow breathing and arriving early work better and don't wear off halfway through.

How do I stop trying too hard on a date?

Swap impressing for finding out. Ask questions, listen to the answers and follow them up. Tell small, specific stories rather than listing achievements, and let yourself admit when you don't know something. Check yourself halfway through: if you haven't asked a question in five minutes, you're probably performing rather than talking.