Conversation starters that won't fall flat: 12 to try

Good conversation starters ask for a story rather than a fact. Swap 'what do you do?' for 'what's keeping you busy at the moment?', and 'where are you from?' for 'what's the best thing about where you grew up?'. Below: twelve for a date, the pub or the phone, and how to follow up.

Most openers fail for a boring reason: they can be answered in one word. 'Accountant.' 'Reading.' 'Not bad, you?' Each of those closes the door politely and leaves you standing on the step. The fix is rarely cleverness. It is usually a matter of changing three or four words so the other person has somewhere to go.

Why do some conversation starters fall flat?

'So, what do you do?' asks for a label. They say 'project manager', you say 'oh, right', and you are back where you started. It also nudges the evening towards status, which is of limited interest to anyone on a date.

The weather is the national reflex, and a perfectly good warm-up. It is a terrible main course. Nobody in history has fallen for someone over the chance of showers in the south-west.

'Where are you from?' can be lovely, and can also land badly, particularly if it is asked twice. Better to ask about a place than about a person's origins.

What the three have in common is that they ask for a fact. The replacements below ask for an example, an opinion or a small story, and let the other person decide how much to give.

Twelve conversation starters worth stealing

Easy openers

• What's keeping you busy at the moment?
• What's the best thing about where you grew up?
• What's the last thing you did that you'd happily do again?
• Have you been anywhere recently that surprised you?

A little more personal

• What's something everyone loves that you can't see the point of?
• Is there anything you've changed your mind about lately?
• What's the most 'you' way to spend a Sunday?
• What would you do with a spare Tuesday and no obligations?

For when it's going well

• What's a small thing that reliably cheers you up?
• What did you want to be at ten, and how close did you get?
• Is there something you've quietly stopped doing and don't miss?
• What do people tend to get wrong about you at first?

Each one invites a story, and every answer contains at least two things you can ask about next. That is the whole trick.

How to follow up

A good question is wasted if you nod and move straight on to the next one on your list. The follow-up is what turns a questionnaire into a conversation, and it is where most of the warmth comes from. Three that work nearly every time:

• 'Go on.' Two words, and it tells them you want the longer version.
• 'Hang on, how did that happen?' Picks up the most surprising detail and asks for the backstory.
• 'And did you?' For any sentence that begins 'I nearly…' or 'I was going to…'.

People forget a clever question within a day. They remember for much longer whether you listened to the answer.

Adjusting for the setting

In the pub, keep your questions short, because background noise swallows long ones, and let the room help: the quiz machine, the pub dog, the chalkboard specials.

On a walk, you can afford bigger questions, because silences are easy when you are both looking ahead. Side by side, people tend to say more than they would across a table.

On the phone, open questions matter even more. There's no menu to comment on and no view to point at, so the question has to carry the conversation by itself. Start with something concrete, 'how was your day, honestly?', then go wider once you have found a rhythm.

In a first message on an app, the rules shift again: shorter, more specific, and easy to answer at a bus stop. First message on a dating app goes into that.

Three to leave at home

• 'Where are you from? No, where are you really from?' Just don't.
• Anything about their ex. It will come up if it needs to, and not over the first drink.
• 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' This is a date, not an appraisal.

Also worth retiring: questions that are secretly compliments ('are you always this funny?'), which leave the other person with nothing to say but 'thanks'.

What to do with this list

Don't memorise all twelve and fire them off in order. People can hear a script from across the room, and it leaves you stranded the moment the conversation wanders somewhere interesting. Keep two or three in mind, use one, and let the answer lead you to the next. The rest of the evening, if it is going to work, tends to write itself.

And if things go quiet for a moment, that is fine. An awkward silence is rarely as bad as you think. For the rest of the evening, from choosing the pub to saying goodbye, see our first date tips. If you would like to try a few of these on the phone first, what a first call is like explains how ours work.

Frequently asked questions

What is a good conversation starter?

A good conversation starter asks for a story or an opinion rather than a fact, so it can't be answered in one word. 'What's keeping you busy at the moment?' works better than 'what do you do?', because it lets the other person choose what to talk about. Specific questions tend to beat very broad ones, especially early on.

How do you start a conversation on a first date?

Start with something light and concrete, such as the place, the journey or their week, then move to an open question like 'what's the best thing about where you grew up?'. Listen properly to the answer and ask about the most interesting detail. The follow-up does more work than the opening line.

What questions should you avoid on a first date?

Skip questions about exes, salaries, five-year plans and anything that pries into someone's background, particularly 'where are you really from?'. Avoid yes-or-no questions strung together like an interview, and compliments dressed up as questions. Keep heavier topics until you know each other a little better.

How do you keep a conversation going?

Follow up rather than moving on. Pick one detail from their answer and ask about it: 'go on', 'how did that happen?', 'and did you?'. Share something of your own in return, so it isn't one-sided. Let short pauses happen without panic, and use your surroundings when you need a fresh start.